Musical Jokes: A Compilation of Sheet Music Plus Favorites

What better way for musicians to celebrate April Fools’ Day than to share some music humor? Here are some of our favorites.

Woodwinds

What’s the definition of a minor second?
Two piccolos playing in unison.

Flute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.

What’s the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.

What’s the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

What is “perfect pitch?”
When you lob a clarinet into a dumpster without hitting the rim.

What’s the purpose of the bell on a bass clarinet?
Storing the ashes from the rest of the instrument.

What’s the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on the trampoline.

What’s the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano saxophone?
The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawn mower and don’t return it.

How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would’ve done it.

If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player or the Tooth Fairy?
Trust the out-of-tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you are hallucinating.

How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.

Brass

How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.

How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
Hi, I played that piece in high school.

What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for a gig?
“Year-at-a-Glance”

How do you improve the aerodynamics on a tuba player’s car?
Take the Domino’s Pizza sign off the roof.

Rhythm Section

How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 beats per minute.

What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
Counterpoint

How do you make a bass player turn down the volume?
Put a chart in front of him.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

Strings

Why are violins smaller than violas?
They really are the same size, but the violinists’ heads are bigger.

Why do violists stand for long periods outside people’s houses?
They can’t find the key and they don’t know when to come in.

How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?
Write “pp, espressivo” on the music.

Why did the string bass player get mad at the timpanist?
The timpanist turned a peg and wouldn’t tell the bass player which one.

How long does a harp stay in tune?
About 20 minutes or until someone opens the door.

Voice

How does a soprano change a light bulb?
She just holds on and the world revolves around her.

How many altos does it take to change a light bulb?
None; they can’t get up that high.

Where’s a tenor’s resonance?
Where his brain should be.

What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

Miscellaneous Instruments

What’s the definition of an optimist?
An accordion player with a pager.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the sound.

Other Musician Jokes

Why are conductors’ hearts so coveted for transplants?
They’ve had so little use.

What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?
Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.

What do you call a musician without a significant other?
Homeless.

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